The Parent Playbook: Supporting Your Athlete Without Taking Over
- Top-Tier Recruiting
- 5 days ago
- 2 min read
For parents of college-bound lacrosse players, the recruiting process can feel just as emotional and overwhelming as it does for the athlete. You want to help. You want to protect. You want to see them succeed. But where’s the line between supporting and steering?
According to Joe Spallina, head coach of Stony Brook University—and a parent of four recruited athletes—parents play a huge role in this journey. But the best outcomes happen when that role is played with care, strategy, and a deep understanding of your child’s needs.
Yes, You Should Be Involved
“I don’t agree with the idea that it should be all on the kid,” Spallina said. “These are 17-year-olds making one of the biggest decisions of their life. Parents should absolutely be involved—but not controlling.”
That means helping your child weigh pros and cons, asking tough questions they may not consider, and being an extra set of ears during recruiting calls or campus visits.
But it also means letting your child’s voice be the lead one.
How to Be Helpful Without Taking Over
Spallina shared a few ground rules for striking the right balance:
• Be present on calls—but stay in the background. Use speakerphone and take notes, but let your child do the talking.
• Resist the urge to sway decisions. Offer input, not pressure. If your child senses you’re rooting for one school, they may choose it to please you—rather than because it’s the right fit.
• Ask questions on Zooms or visits—but make them thoughtful. It’s okay to ask about academic support, coaching stability, travel, and team culture. Just don’t dominate the conversation.
What to Watch for on Visits
Parents can often pick up on red flags that athletes overlook—like disorganization, poor team chemistry, or how a coaching staff treats players off-camera.
Spallina also recommends watching how your child reacts to the campus and coaches. Are they excited? Are they comfortable? Do they feel “seen”? Those reactions are more important than any facility tour or game day hype.
Consider Logistics, Too
One of the most overlooked factors in choosing a school? Geography.
“How many games will your child play without you in the stands?” Spallina asked. “That’s a real question to consider.”
If being present matters to your family, think about drive time, weather, and conference travel. These aren’t glamorous details, but they matter when the season is in full swing.
When Is It OK to Contact a Coach?
This one’s tricky—and varies by coach. Spallina is one of the few who welcomes parent communication, within reason.
“I don’t mind talking to parents,” he said. “But I prefer it goes through the athlete first. If they say, ‘My parents have a few questions,’ that’s a great sign. It shows communication and maturity.”
Direct contact from parents without warning? Not as well received—especially if it comes off pushy or demanding.
Final Thoughts
As a parent, your role is to be the foundation—not the driver. Offer stability, support, and guidance, but allow your athlete to lead the way.
This is their journey—but it’s one they shouldn’t walk alone. By staying grounded, prepared, and intentional, you’ll help them not just commit to a program—but thrive in it.
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